i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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