I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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