Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
