Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
