He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize