If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
