tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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