So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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