Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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