he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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