so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize