4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
