Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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