Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
