his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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