Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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