Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
