a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
