did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
