He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
