there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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