I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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