My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize