Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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