I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
