The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
