the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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