Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize