Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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