I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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