I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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