Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
