I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
