you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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