Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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