apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
