I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
