Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
third nipple confirmed
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
