felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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