Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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