im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I could make wine with my vomit
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
