I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
