he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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