you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize