He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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