You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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