I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
