I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
