went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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