I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
