is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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