You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
