I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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