we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
