she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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