i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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