When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
