if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think my moral compass just broke
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
