he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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