I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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