So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
