any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
