Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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