Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
